life at 30 sucks if you let it

Last week I had a birthday that I did not celebrate.
I did not celebrate this bday not cause I didn't want to but because I realised that I had nothing to celebrate except getting older.
Isn't that what b days are are about the passage of time that fact that you have survived a whole  the joys of being alive.
Nah mate not for me, for me its always been about celebrating the challenge of the past year and the joys of what Ive learned.
I know it sounds all new age and spiritual but this is the first b day where i have looked at my life as it is and not seen positive growth out side of my work life. In fact its the first ear where i have a) my circle of friends have gotten smaller. b) i have not grown creatively enough.

When i say creative i men that for some reason i stopped making things i stopped drawing i stopped just going  on the computer and playing with adobe. I stopped dressing in stupid ways that  up set my mother and make me feel good . some of these have justifiable reason but the one that don't are the ones that have made me less happy , more single and less connected then ever before.

I miss my friend from Manchester  my creative circle. who like some witches coven accepted me pushed me took the piss out of me and  made me rethink what i could and couldn't do

I am not saying that i am unhappy with the person I'm just saying that there use to be more to me then just working in a shop , going to the gym and coming home. i don't think that i am going to be able to find someone that make me laugh enough to say with them a life time until i remember what it like to make myself smile and crying and dance and sing .
So here goes, for the next year i will write this blog  and see what happens maybe if i try hard enough life will get better and maybe ill remember enough of the good things about  life that i will  make positive changes  
who knows